Yesterday, I took the LSAT.
After months of it consuming my life and thoughts and worries, I finally did the damn thing and took it yesterday. I don't think a single exam has ever caused me so many mental and emotional breakdowns and existential crises. (Well, with the exception of the first midterm I took at Harvard, which I literally failed miserably. But that's long over!) I thought I was good at close reading and analyzing texts–it was always my strong suit in standardized tests in high school. But the LSAT was an entirely different monster.
The test made me question how well I could read in English, just like my thesis advisor made me question how well I could write in it. My practice test scores always ended up disappointing me, and I cringed inside every time I got a question wrong on the exercises. On the contrary, I wasn't celebrating every question I got right, either, because always getting things right is what I expect of myself (not super healthy but here we are). Clearly I was just being too hard on myself, as I already wrote in that one other blog entry. It's a difficult exam. Nobody can deny that.
I'm not sure how to feel about the real thing now that I've taken it. For now, while I don't know what the score is, I'm going to assume the worst of myself, just because I don't want to disappoint myself even more when I find out how I did. I had to guess on an uncomfortable amount of questions, which makes me cringe inside, but I at least filled in all the question bubbles so I for sure won't get points deducted for leaving some empty. Before the exam, everybody kept telling me that I would do great, which made me happy that I have supportive friends, family, and colleagues, but I couldn't bring myself to personally believe that I would. I really want to believe that I did well, but I'm preventing myself from doing so so that if I did do well, I can be pleasantly surprised. I have score thresholds/ranges for which I have the following opinions: above 170 would be a dream and make me exuberantly overjoyed, but I know for sure that I did not get any score in that range; between 165 and 169 would be ideal; between 160 and 164 would be tolerable; below 160 would make me consider taking it again or maybe taking the GRE instead; and below 150 would make me want to give up everything and become a hermit.
For now, I content myself by refusing to associate myself with a number and refusing to believe it says anything about who I am and what I can accomplish. Standardized tests are not truly standardized, since they appeal to a universality among individuals that just doesn't exist. (Just look at the college admissions scandal that just happened recently.)
Despite the negativity, I am thrilled to have my life back now that the test is over and to have time to do things I really enjoy. There's so much that I want to do and to work on, and I'm excited to get a start on it all. I'll definitely be updating this blog with things that I'll be up to! For now I gotta start planning. Toodles!
After months of it consuming my life and thoughts and worries, I finally did the damn thing and took it yesterday. I don't think a single exam has ever caused me so many mental and emotional breakdowns and existential crises. (Well, with the exception of the first midterm I took at Harvard, which I literally failed miserably. But that's long over!) I thought I was good at close reading and analyzing texts–it was always my strong suit in standardized tests in high school. But the LSAT was an entirely different monster.
The test made me question how well I could read in English, just like my thesis advisor made me question how well I could write in it. My practice test scores always ended up disappointing me, and I cringed inside every time I got a question wrong on the exercises. On the contrary, I wasn't celebrating every question I got right, either, because always getting things right is what I expect of myself (not super healthy but here we are). Clearly I was just being too hard on myself, as I already wrote in that one other blog entry. It's a difficult exam. Nobody can deny that.
I'm not sure how to feel about the real thing now that I've taken it. For now, while I don't know what the score is, I'm going to assume the worst of myself, just because I don't want to disappoint myself even more when I find out how I did. I had to guess on an uncomfortable amount of questions, which makes me cringe inside, but I at least filled in all the question bubbles so I for sure won't get points deducted for leaving some empty. Before the exam, everybody kept telling me that I would do great, which made me happy that I have supportive friends, family, and colleagues, but I couldn't bring myself to personally believe that I would. I really want to believe that I did well, but I'm preventing myself from doing so so that if I did do well, I can be pleasantly surprised. I have score thresholds/ranges for which I have the following opinions: above 170 would be a dream and make me exuberantly overjoyed, but I know for sure that I did not get any score in that range; between 165 and 169 would be ideal; between 160 and 164 would be tolerable; below 160 would make me consider taking it again or maybe taking the GRE instead; and below 150 would make me want to give up everything and become a hermit.
For now, I content myself by refusing to associate myself with a number and refusing to believe it says anything about who I am and what I can accomplish. Standardized tests are not truly standardized, since they appeal to a universality among individuals that just doesn't exist. (Just look at the college admissions scandal that just happened recently.)
Despite the negativity, I am thrilled to have my life back now that the test is over and to have time to do things I really enjoy. There's so much that I want to do and to work on, and I'm excited to get a start on it all. I'll definitely be updating this blog with things that I'll be up to! For now I gotta start planning. Toodles!
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