This whole process of studying for the LSAT has been harrowing. It's been making some uncomfortable truths I already knew about myself resurface far too frequently. Every time I score myself on practice tests or sections I just get traumatized at how I'm not making significant improvements. I tend to feel emotions very strongly, and when I see the same scores that I haven't been happy with these past months my mind immediately spirals into imagining worst case scenarios and thinking the most unsavory things of myself.
I do sometimes try to stop myself from wallowing in my readily available pools of pity. I told myself that I was really burned out yesterday when I did a practice run, which explains all the mistakes. I took less than 10 minutes between finishing work for the day and then doing 2 35-minute timed sections. But then I asked myself how that wasn't just making excuses, rather than the being kind to myself I wanted to pass it off as. I couldn't come up with where to draw the line between the two, and because I wanted something wise to put on this blog, I asked my mom. She replied that I the distinction could be made in the intention behind the action. If I intended to be kind to myself more than anything, then I was. But if there were something more, such as wanting to be superior or if the action were selfishly driven by my ego, then it'd just be an excuse. I think that might apply here. I would have to look into it more.
In the end, I'm going to keep reminding myself that this test score is only a requirement for my application, and absolutely not the best thing about it. I would be incredibly boring, in my opinion, if it were. Even if I got a perfect score (not happening), it would not be the most interesting part of my application. That being settled, it's only to my advantage here that I'm fantastic at writing about myself and skilled at interviews.
And even if I don't get into any schools at all, that's not something that I need to worry about right now. I'll worry about it if it happens and think of what else to do with my life then. I just have to have faith that things will work out for me, and I will know what to do with myself no matter what, and above all, I must treat myself with kindness. Tough love is important, but self care even more so.
Even if I suck at the LSAT by my own self-imposed standards, I take solace in the fact that there are many things I am actually good at, things that aren't requirements for anything besides my own personal enjoyment. In 2018 I made it a goal to learn/post a song in a different language for every month, and I am happy to report I followed through on that! Well, I didn't post anything on December, since I knew nobody would hold me accountable anyway and I was going to do it eventually.
I had been meaning to learn a particular song in Kinyarwanda, and in January, as I was preparing to leave New York, I finally got around to doing it. For this song I went the extra mile and memorized it, which I didn't do in most of the other songs. And I performed it as a Valentine's Day surprise for James. It also turned out it wasn't that much of a surprise (guess he knows me that well?) because when I asked him for a quote to put in this blog about what he thought, he said "Not surprising but still stunning." And with that, I leave you with a video of the song I felt very proud of myself for having learned–and I didn't even need to be hard on myself at all!
I do sometimes try to stop myself from wallowing in my readily available pools of pity. I told myself that I was really burned out yesterday when I did a practice run, which explains all the mistakes. I took less than 10 minutes between finishing work for the day and then doing 2 35-minute timed sections. But then I asked myself how that wasn't just making excuses, rather than the being kind to myself I wanted to pass it off as. I couldn't come up with where to draw the line between the two, and because I wanted something wise to put on this blog, I asked my mom. She replied that I the distinction could be made in the intention behind the action. If I intended to be kind to myself more than anything, then I was. But if there were something more, such as wanting to be superior or if the action were selfishly driven by my ego, then it'd just be an excuse. I think that might apply here. I would have to look into it more.
In the end, I'm going to keep reminding myself that this test score is only a requirement for my application, and absolutely not the best thing about it. I would be incredibly boring, in my opinion, if it were. Even if I got a perfect score (not happening), it would not be the most interesting part of my application. That being settled, it's only to my advantage here that I'm fantastic at writing about myself and skilled at interviews.
And even if I don't get into any schools at all, that's not something that I need to worry about right now. I'll worry about it if it happens and think of what else to do with my life then. I just have to have faith that things will work out for me, and I will know what to do with myself no matter what, and above all, I must treat myself with kindness. Tough love is important, but self care even more so.
Even if I suck at the LSAT by my own self-imposed standards, I take solace in the fact that there are many things I am actually good at, things that aren't requirements for anything besides my own personal enjoyment. In 2018 I made it a goal to learn/post a song in a different language for every month, and I am happy to report I followed through on that! Well, I didn't post anything on December, since I knew nobody would hold me accountable anyway and I was going to do it eventually.
I had been meaning to learn a particular song in Kinyarwanda, and in January, as I was preparing to leave New York, I finally got around to doing it. For this song I went the extra mile and memorized it, which I didn't do in most of the other songs. And I performed it as a Valentine's Day surprise for James. It also turned out it wasn't that much of a surprise (guess he knows me that well?) because when I asked him for a quote to put in this blog about what he thought, he said "Not surprising but still stunning." And with that, I leave you with a video of the song I felt very proud of myself for having learned–and I didn't even need to be hard on myself at all!
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