As I sit here in the Minneapolis International Airport, I realize I haven't really written about my birthday on this blog. The last time I did was three years ago, when I had just turned twenty. It seemed that I was freaking out about turning twenty. That's understandable.
Here is an excerpt of what I wrote, because I am a fan of looking back on what I have reflected upon in life and reflecting upon it now, in a period known as the future.
I admit, I spent the last night of being a teenager in a sort of existential crisis.
I didn't know if I would ever be as great as I sometimes hope to be, I didn't know if I would ever accomplish what I really hope to, whatever that even is anymore. I didn't know if I would live as grand of a future as I've long been dreaming of. I thought about everything I didn't do as a teenager and wondered if not having done things would reflect negatively on me in the future, whether the cause be self-instigated or societal.
I think my new twenty-year-old self would be happy to hear that I spent the week of my 23rd birthday with my boyfriend of 1.5 years (already! ❤️). She would also be pleased to hear I found a job everyone says "sounds like me" and "wow that's perfect for you" that includes work travel and the most amazing colleagues, whom I am thrilled to be working alongside. I think I would tell her I've found a direction to take in life and not to worry, because I would arrive at it naturally and it involves a lot of traveling. She would also be pretty pumped about me living in New York, even if the me now is kind of hating it.
Given where everything's at now, I am nowhere near living that "grand future as I've long been dreaming of." I don't expect to reach it anytime soon, either, because it would suck to be at a point in my life where I can say, "I guess this is gonna be it for a while." At 23, after college has finished and everyone has gone on wildly different trajectories, it is especially intimidating thinking about all the options life throws at a person and how everyone inevitably ends up veering off the path they originally planned for themselves. I can't imagine now what I'll be reflecting on this time three years from now, though hopefully it has something to do about being in law school...
In the meantime, I'm learning to cherish everything I have now. My friends, my boyfriend, my family, the travels I still have planned in the horizon. I'm not going to push away thoughts of what I could be having, such as a nice place for my own, a dog, and a well paying international job; those kinds of thoughts motivate me to keep accomplishing more, and they give me reason to work hard. Like my supervisor at work said, I'm not being evaluated by professors on a graded scale anymore. Now everything is done in terms of how it helps me reach my full potential, which I won't reach for many years yet. It's exciting to imagine, and comforting to know that it's all just the beginning, and that I'm technically still in my early 20s where I feel like I can mess a lot of things up without mistakes coming at a high cost. (Just rent. Rent is coming at way too exorbitant of a cost.)
All in all, it's good to be 23 and I'm excited to see what this new year of life holds for me. Sure I'm going to spend a lot of it complaining about New York, but it will be fascinating to explore this new side of me, the one not a full time student. But I have a flight to catch, so I must publish this entry now (and it will be live and not pre scheduled! Hooray!).
Here is an excerpt of what I wrote, because I am a fan of looking back on what I have reflected upon in life and reflecting upon it now, in a period known as the future.
I admit, I spent the last night of being a teenager in a sort of existential crisis.
I didn't know if I would ever be as great as I sometimes hope to be, I didn't know if I would ever accomplish what I really hope to, whatever that even is anymore. I didn't know if I would live as grand of a future as I've long been dreaming of. I thought about everything I didn't do as a teenager and wondered if not having done things would reflect negatively on me in the future, whether the cause be self-instigated or societal.
I think my new twenty-year-old self would be happy to hear that I spent the week of my 23rd birthday with my boyfriend of 1.5 years (already! ❤️). She would also be pleased to hear I found a job everyone says "sounds like me" and "wow that's perfect for you" that includes work travel and the most amazing colleagues, whom I am thrilled to be working alongside. I think I would tell her I've found a direction to take in life and not to worry, because I would arrive at it naturally and it involves a lot of traveling. She would also be pretty pumped about me living in New York, even if the me now is kind of hating it.
Given where everything's at now, I am nowhere near living that "grand future as I've long been dreaming of." I don't expect to reach it anytime soon, either, because it would suck to be at a point in my life where I can say, "I guess this is gonna be it for a while." At 23, after college has finished and everyone has gone on wildly different trajectories, it is especially intimidating thinking about all the options life throws at a person and how everyone inevitably ends up veering off the path they originally planned for themselves. I can't imagine now what I'll be reflecting on this time three years from now, though hopefully it has something to do about being in law school...
In the meantime, I'm learning to cherish everything I have now. My friends, my boyfriend, my family, the travels I still have planned in the horizon. I'm not going to push away thoughts of what I could be having, such as a nice place for my own, a dog, and a well paying international job; those kinds of thoughts motivate me to keep accomplishing more, and they give me reason to work hard. Like my supervisor at work said, I'm not being evaluated by professors on a graded scale anymore. Now everything is done in terms of how it helps me reach my full potential, which I won't reach for many years yet. It's exciting to imagine, and comforting to know that it's all just the beginning, and that I'm technically still in my early 20s where I feel like I can mess a lot of things up without mistakes coming at a high cost. (Just rent. Rent is coming at way too exorbitant of a cost.)
All in all, it's good to be 23 and I'm excited to see what this new year of life holds for me. Sure I'm going to spend a lot of it complaining about New York, but it will be fascinating to explore this new side of me, the one not a full time student. But I have a flight to catch, so I must publish this entry now (and it will be live and not pre scheduled! Hooray!).
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