WHOOOAAA WE'RE HALFWAY THEEERE 🎤 😆

I tried to think of some clever title to this entry and maybe even base it off of the title of the entry I wrote at the end of freshman year (it's called "One down, three to go." with the period at the end). But every time I'm halfway done with something, I can't help but play Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" in my head over and over, sometimes even sing it out loud because I like to spontaneously burst into song, and so that is why I settled for this title with the emojis at the end which are much more friendly than just a period.

Now that I'm 50% done with my Harvard career and in 100% disbelief about it, I feel proud to say that I am no longer in the state of perpetual, overwhelming doubt I was in as I entered, trying to figure out some method of walking the path that was laid out before me. Over these past two years I've encountered many different people, places, and experiences along that path, and have welcomed all its twists and turns. Sometimes I tripped and fell flat on my face, sometimes I came to an unexpected, screeching halt due to something blocking the path, and other times I was able to sprint gloriously through feeling as though nothing could halt my trajectory. (Damn, this sounds like really good material for a graduation speech. I'll save this for later.) Now that two years of navigating the path that is my four years at Harvard have passed, I now have a pretty solid idea of what to expect from it and am confident in the way that I've chosen to advance along it.

You probably want more concrete things in this entry. Or at least, I know I do. Last year I wrote in some kind of FAQ format, but I'm not going to do that this year. At the end of last semester, I did this cool thing where I outlined the course of the semester off of a sequence of single words. Here, I will do neither of those. Because I'm lazy and have too many ideas in my head to make a coherent, ideationally progressive (#expos) blog entry, I will write about certain big ideas that have been key to defining this year and also serve as reflections on my life as a Harvard student in general. Not my most well-organized piece of work, but this is my personal blog and I can do whatever I want with it.

House life
Overall, I'm really satisfied with no longer living as part of a mass of freshmen but rather as part of a smaller house community. Although there are people I do miss seeing around a lot of the time, I've managed to continue to catch up with my friends who don't live near me. I've affirmed this way that I'm the kind of person who has no problem with long distance friendships, as I don't even need to see the people closest to me everyday.
Anyway, I figure here I ought to express how happy I am to live in Cabot. I knew I'd be happy anywhere, but I just feel like I was somehow meant to be placed in that upperclassman house out of the 12 I could have been placed in for various reasons. I'll bullet point them 'cause I'm lazy.
• the house mascot is a fish. Considering the fact I grew up on an island and consequently spent a lot of time in the water, it made me feel oddly at home.
• the house motto is "write your own story." At this point the idea has become a cliché to me and I like to think I'm a cool hipster because to me that has been my motto for years (see entry on my journal keeping habit), whereas to other people it's this awesomely new concept they should try considering sometime, wow I'm sounding pretentious, but like I said I can say what I want on this blog. To reiterate, my life motto is a combination of "live a life worth writing about" and "in the end, all you really have is your story." Thanks, Cabot, for recognizing that and being the home where my story takes place during some of the most important years of my life.
• my inimitable Co-President Brian also ended up in Cabot with me, making our Philippine Forum board meetings and co-president meetings all simple to plan.
• Cabot has Cabot Café, a cozy little café open from 8 pm - 1 am on Sunday - Thursday. I spend so much time there. So. Much. Time. It has the café atmosphere I feel productive in, and I wouldn't need to go anywhere far for it.
This past year, I had my own room, a nice big single with the biggest closet I've ever had in my life (it was a walk-in). I had no in-suite bathroom to have to worry about cleaning, my close friends were living right next door to me in the hallway, and Cabot Café was a thirty second walk down two flights of stairs from my room. The dining hall has huge windows with nice views of the quad lawn, and it's also nice to be on a first name basis with the Dean of Harvard College (since he's our housemaster/faculty dean). So yeah, I definitely am enjoying house life more than I did freshman year residence!

Academics vs. what I do for fun
This year, I've discovered that although in high school I was willing to work hard at all the subjects I had to take, college didn't necessarily work that way. I wrote extensively about this epiphany here, and am now pretty comfortable with the idea that this is the way that I'll be spending the rest of my college career. I like the idea of there being an almost nonexistent boundary between what I do for fun and what I need to do for school, and it's been treating me really well. I'm not necessarily advocating that everyone should do this, because some people do well with a division between working hard and playing hard, and good for them. For me, it's just that sometimes, working hard and playing hard end up being the same thing. Is that even possible? Idk, apparently. Like, my academic involvement in the social sciences involves a lot of interacting with people, which is something I enjoy doing anyway. I haven't run into anything that has made me question the life choices I've made here too much.
I think it's also because I kinda consider myself a lazy yet efficient person. I like to do things with the least amount of effort possible, and sometimes that entails a lot of thinking ahead in order to save myself effort in the future. That's also working out really well. It gives people the illusion that I have my life together, but it's really because I don't want to have to work harder than is necessary and I'm overall satisfied with the present. And if I do have to work hard, I want it to be at something that I know I can do, that I know I'm good at. People I've met, to whom I talk about what I do here and what I study, have told me that it sounds perfect for me, and that is probably the greatest satisfaction I've experienced at Harvard so far. Why yes, even if I can't really define what anthropology is, my experience with it so far just seems to match who I am as a person, and for that I feel incredibly lucky.

Dealing with people
Ah yes. One of my fellow anthropology concentrators put this really well in an interview I did with her recently, and now that I've thought about it, it actually applies to how I feel as well. She said that sometimes, she really hates people. But she loves the idea of humanity.
What? Me, hating people? Here I've been going on and on about how I like to think I'm well-liked, and suddenly THIS. Ha.
I've come to find out that sometimes, if I spend too much time with the same person or people, I get dreadfully bored.
Bored of their complaints.
Bored of their drama.
Bored of doing the same things over and over.
This is terrible, I know. This also explains why I am not interested in any sort of committed relationship–I just don't want to get bored. The thought of "belonging" to someone can be beautiful, but I haven't found someone worth compromising this delicious independence to do whatever the f*** I want yet.
I know I've also been priding myself on not being easily bored, of always finding something to occupy myself with. This is true. But the paradox is, I do get bored, but of monotony, of routine. I've become  that classic "girl-who-travels" trope at this point, but I also like to think I deviate from that label just a tad bit (will explain more later).
This entire thing probably has a lot to do with how well I'm able to maintain my long-distance friendships. The nature of these friendships means that I can't be there for my friends' everyday moments anymore, that I can't talk to them on a regular basis, that I often don't know what major things they are going through. But to me, that's okay, because I know that if I had the chance to see these people again, we would pick up right where we left off. I'm not with these people all the time, for they're scattered all over the world. The thought of them living in such vastly different places is one that excites me, because I know that if I were to be with them again, I would not only get the pleasure of being in their company, but also the euphoria of experiencing a new world and unfamiliar ways of living. Thus the thought of loving humanity. The idea that we are all people as a whole, but incredibly different people each on an individual level. That could never bore me.
Back on the ground and away from my reverie, I do appreciate the people I have around me. But I also appreciate being on my own and just thinking about other things, and dealing with my own personal issues. Yes, I am most definitely a people person, but I also consider myself an occasional independent lone wolf.  I suppose it's also my constant looking at the bigger picture, something I notice that people I get tired of don't really do. But no matter. I'm not here to dictate how I believe other people should act (that's not at all what anthropologists do), but rather to work on being my best self according to my own definition of my best self. Other people are side characters in my story, and I let them drive its plot only to the extent that I believe they should.
Anyway, the main difference between when I first entered Harvard and now being halfway done is that I have much less of a desire to put other people before me first. That could be interpreted as a bad thing, but experience has taught me that while I can indeed put other people or grades or whatever before me, it should not be done to the point where I am hurting myself. Granted, I've become much more of a bitch than I once was, but wow, it gets tiring always trying to be the nice girl, and when people don't appreciate those efforts, you end up questioning yourself. So yeah. Not worth it. In my life, I come first, since I'm the only person I'll have with me for the rest of my life, anyway. (You know, I used to say I wasn't enough of an asshole to be a lawyer, but now, I don't think that statement applies as much anymore.)
I'M SO SORRY I RAMBLE
Long story short. People suck. But they're also amazing. Don't hang around me too much or else I'll get bored of you and/or tired of your bullshit. (There are, of course, exceptions to this, but I'm not gonna go on about that. Just read the entry about Luca to get an idea of what these people are like.)

Yes, I still think about France
Though not as often as I once did.
Maybe it's because I know when I'm going back, or maybe because so much time has passed and so much has happened since I've left. I'm not entirely sure.
I've come to notice that even though I hear French pretty often around me, I approach people less and less. Like I said, I'm lazy, but then it's also because there are other things occupying my mind. When I think about France, it no longer brings a knot to my throat. It doesn't make me wish I could relive those days. I've come to the point where I am so happy with my actual life that my year in France is only a dream that I can replay in my head whenever I wish, not a vision so vivid that it clouds my reality. It's a stage in my life that I am proud has occurred, one that will forever have an influence on me, but not one that I want to go back to.
I do, however, still see France in my future. It's a place I would love to return to and live in again, as somebody vastly different from the girl who was an exchange student there, but as somebody who still loves the country all the same.
Perhaps that's why I think of it less. Because I know that one day, once again, I'll be spending a long time there, and that day will come sooner than I think. I'm already halfway done with my Harvard career. The second half is going to zoom by even faster. Who knows where I'll be afterwards? Either way, I feel like I'm going to do my best to return to that much beloved country.

Who am I and what am I doing here
Wow, this is something that could be divided off into countless little sub sections and further divided into sub-sub-sections until this no longer resembles a blog entry but rather an infinite matryoshka. Composed of text. Because anything is possible.
I brought up earlier in this entry that I consider myself one of those archetypal girls-who-travel that you often read about in articles posted on Matador Network. I read articles like this and I'm like YES that is SO ME this APPLIES TO MY LIFE SO MUCH. But I like to believe there is a dimension to myself that goes beyond crazy impulsive wanderer, a dimension that wouldn't exist were it not for this ~Harvard education~ I'm receiving.
I like to think that I'm going to have a very meaningful impact on the world. My life is more than just ticking off places on a check list and moving on from one place to the next. I'm not going to be somebody who gets a college education to get into a boring stable job and then suddenly want to sell everything and travel perpetually because they realize their job sucks and there's a world out there to explore. While there is indeed a world out there to explore (something I realized a long time ago), there are also so many people who cannot experience it due to life circumstances that have been thrust upon them. I'm not going to be somebody who makes a living out of traveling and telling people all about my travels, because what good does that do to people who can't do it? I'm not going to be somebody who is afraid of "settling down"* (*because I actually want to have a swanky big city apartment home base with a job that will send me wherever in the world I need to go whenever) and/or of having a five-year plan. I'm going to do what I can to somehow be able to work with the world's injustices in a way that might eventually improve the lives of people who have very little power in society. No idea how. But thinking about it is a start. (When people ask me what I want to do with anthropology and whatnot, I tell them my dream career is with the UN, because I still like to think I'm ambitious even if I don't want to be a doctor anymore.)
As a traveler, I realize that this can be very hard to accomplish, and the volatile nature of things entails that they are always, always subject to change. But as a Harvard student, I realize that I have it in my power to make out of my life whatever I want with the incredible support of the friends I've made here and the resources this school provides for me. Being here has made me an incredibly confident person in what I can do, and even more, what I have the potential to do.
While it came to my attention that I hate the idea of following the medical school path and following a preset plan for years and years, it also came to my attention that I feel absolutely useless to humanity as a whole if the only reason I travel and learn languages is for my own personal fulfillment. That just isn't personally fulfilling enough. When I meet people and bring myself into their lives, I want to know that I've helped them somehow, and in a way, that also helps me realize that I'm doing something impactful with my life (still putting myself first, ok?). That's it.
All that aside, I guess another thing I wanted to bring up under this section was my Filipino-ness.
To go through the entire narrative of what it meant to me ever since I first left the Philippines would take far too long, so I guess I'll just bring up what it has been to me this year.
This entire school year, I held the role of being Co-President of Harvard Philippine Forum. While I will save what that has been to me for another entry, it means that my being Filipino was something that has definitely played a role in much of what I experienced this year and how I've come to think of myself, because so much of who I am is because I'm Filipino. This year, I've gotten to know many more Filipinos from around the Boston area, and for once I've actually had a Filipino friend group. That was something I'd never had living in Oregon, and it's been amazing to have these people to spend time with who understand where I come from and with whom I can share things I can't with other people. Although I can never be purely Filipino (what even is that? considering so many Filipinos live overseas), I can never be purely American either because I have roots in this far-off country that I feel honored to come from, and because I've left my heart in so many places throughout my life. I'm content being this cultural hybrid, and since Filipinos are people who are extremely adaptable and welcoming, this doesn't pose any problems at all. I guess it is pretty significant for me to have come from a culture that welcomes this idea of the mixing of cultures, an idea that is pretty essential to what it means to be Filipino. This year, I've gotten to fully comprehend how this idea plays a role in my life.

Thus concludes this entry. Very exciting things are coming up ahead, and I can't wait to get on here and write once more!

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