It's probably because my brain has been fried these past few days trying to figure out a math problem set which on average usually takes about three hours but I've probably spent at least 6 on that I have lots to say on the fact that I really, really wish I were better at math right now.
~an hour or so after writing that sentence~
My brain was so dead I couldn't even write a sentence properly. Like, I'm so done with everything I can even feel tension in my shoulders and not just my overworked mind. And also I feel really bad because I feel like I could be doing better, like I could be better in general, like I should be quicker at solving these problems. But I'm not. They take me forever, and even when my heart gives up because it's tired of everything my mind ploughs on and keeps on trying until it gets to the point where I can't write a proper sentence in English.
All that aside, there's something strangely satisfying when the numbers all line up, of course, and I see the beauty of it all. All the painstaking detail, the countless steps you have to go through, all that leads to the shiny golden answer and that moment of "I did it!" that results shows me the appeal that people find in math. Especially when solving a math problem applies to a real life one.
I see this appeal, but I just don't feel it. Rather than that, I prefer finding my satisfaction in forcing myself to speak using sounds that were once the equivalent of gibberish to me, sounds that have gained a new meaning thanks to using them to make a connection with somebody whose heart understands them. And then when it all becomes normal and the feeling of having a conversation in this new system of noises loses its splendor, I just go and learn yet another one. There's always more people to meet. Okay. I digress.
So yeah. I think I have a decent attitude towards math at this point. I've forced myself to stop saying I suck at it (...which I don't really know if I believe...lol) and just relish the moments I do understand a concept or get it right. I really do just wish that I could grasp the content better and were more creative about applying it, leading me to get the homework done faster.
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