Omg, this plane has wifi. I don't remember the last time I was in a plane that had wifi.
Anyway, all that aside, I'm on a plane taking me from Boston back to Portland, for I have finally officially completed my freshman year at Harvard University. There've been a lot of thoughts swimming around my head, as there usually are during particularly monumental endings in my life, and I figure I should write them all down (or as much as I can of them, anyway). Before getting into some things I want to bring up re: the end of freshman year, I figure I might as well address some FAQs (or what I assume would be FAQs if I were to go around telling everybody I just finished my first year at Harvard).
How was it?
I don't know what kind of preconceived notions you might have about student life at Harvard, but here's what an authentic Harvard student has to say. My first year got rather overwhelming, of course. Hard classes tend to do that. Adjusting to college life is enough of a task, but add the fact that you go to probably the most well-known school in the world with a reputation to uphold and it somehow adds to the challenge. It also got really intimidating. After I realized that I was to attend school at Harvard, I became anxious about not being able to work at the level expected of me. I couldn't imagine going to school with super geniuses who would know so much more than me and be so much better than me at everything. It was a rather scary thought, so I conditioned myself to believing that I would only be average at that school, if not slightly below. I made myself believe that in comparison to what everybody else had accomplished, I was humble and ordinary. That way, I wouldn't hurt myself too much, and I would be able to focus on making the best of it for myself without comparing myself to others. I also told myself to not make my happiness and GPA/grades too intertwined, and to find other things to achieve besides good grades.
Anyway, looking back on the year, I've definitely not been the only one to have those doubts and insecurities, which was a relief. As I became closer to certain people, they've gotten to know me, and they are actually proud of the person I am and of what I've done with my life, as I am with them. I've found that there's this mutual awe in what people have accomplished (and are accomplishing) that people at Harvard have for each other, and instead of being in fierce competition with everyone around you, for the most part I find that people turn to those around them for inspiration and support and they build each other up. I mean, everybody is smart in some respect, but what makes people at Harvard so fascinating is that there's so much more beyond intelligence to discover about them. So while I'm definitely not in the top academically, I feel like I'm with people who are appreciative of diversity and understanding of the struggles that everyone shares. Generally, this is the vibe that I've had for my first year, and I'm very grateful to the people I've shared it with. I have some absolutely brilliant friends who do things everyday that I could never imagine myself being capable of doing, but at the same time, my friends also respect me and my own talents and feel the same of some things I do as well. So while I have never felt more ordinary or commonplace in my life, I definitely do feel special being surrounded by so many unique and talented people who also see me as an individual that's part of that incredible group.
Wait, does that even properly answer the question "How was it?" Whatever. I don't care. Next!
How do you feel?
Thinking of the year that was, I feel like so much has happened in such little time, and I've grown up a lot. I thought I was pretty mature coming into Harvard, though of course there was that inevitable naïveté that comes with moving into a new place no matter how old or experienced with life you may be. I've had hopes shattered and the most unexpected windfalls. I've experienced the extreme, disgusting, sticky heat of Boston summer, and the brutal, (record-breaking) blizzard-y cold of winter. I've found out what it's like to fail a test, and I've learned a new language. I eventually became used to navigating a world in which all your friends are constantly around each other, leading to relationships between people being extremely volatile and changeable. Having never lived in this environment, it's been an interesting adjustment, but I think now that everybody for the most part has gotten the hang of everyday life at Harvard, things have calmed down a bit. At least for me, they have. I've established that I love my friends, but I also love randomly leaving campus to go to Boston (or New York, lol), and I'm lucky to have really understanding people who are aware of that and don't judge against my character. That being said, I have a better sense of how to handle life, people, and myself than I did when I first entered.
Right now, I feel like I have a better sense of self. I don't actually mean I have a better sense of who I am as a person; I actually have a better sense of self as someone who has no idea who she is or what she's doing with her life. I thought I knew who I was in the years leading up to Harvard; I thought I had my life planned out. But now that the dream I had had in my head for years has become a reality, it's not going as middle school me had planned at all. Life has a way of doing that, I guess. Despite this, it's quite refreshing to be with people who are in a similar state of doubt and confusion, and to go through it together. It's so much fun seeing people discover new passions or continue to work on existing ones, and to have conversations with people who are open-minded about the future. Maybe I've become this way because I feel like having the Harvard name attached to my being will somehow provide me countless opportunities. False reassurance? I don't know, and I don't care. It's already brought so much to me than I could have imagined so far.
Would you do anything differently?
Yes and no. I feel like there are some things that, though unpleasant, I've had to go through in order to become the more self-assured, confident person I am today. I've had to experience certain things to know what I really want with my life and how I expect my closest friends should act. I like to live life believing that everything that happens has a reason for happening, though I also like to live life believing I have a certain agency over the direction that it's taking. It's achieving the balance between these two mentalities that has been a challenge. Ironically though, without having been too skewed towards either end of the balance, I wouldn't have achieved this sense of resolution that I have now. If I were to do anything differently, it might have had to do with how I upset the balance. I still would have upset it, though. It's important to do that in life, I think. Now I'm getting a bit too philosophical and it's come to the point where I can't even really identify specific incidents to serve as examples of this weird balance shit and how I've been favoring either side, I just know they exist, let's move on.
Before I finish this entry...
Anyway, I figured I should write about something serendipitous that happened to me on my last full day at Harvard as a freshman, May 16th.
As I was walking across the yard to what was going to be my last meal at Annenberg, the freshman dining hall, I overheard Tagalog being spoken. In other circumstances, I would have contented myself with understanding what was being said, but since the speaker was wondering if the buildings in the Yard were for classrooms, I went up to them and said in Tagalog, "Actually no, they're freshman dorms."
They were surprised and pleased to meet me, especially when they found out that I was a student at Harvard. It turns out that I had just met a lady whose family a generation below her had just moved to the USA from the Philippines, and she was helping them get settled. They were at Harvard, apparently, because it was the daughter's dream to go there one day.
Huh. Sounded oddly familiar.
She was just about to start high school, and her brother about to start 6th grade. Understandably, they were a bit anxious about starting out anew. But they were grateful to have run into me, who had gone through the exact same thing they were going through right now, almost 8 years ago. I could hear the relief in their voices after they saw proof of what was possible in me. And it kind of all just put things into perspective; I found it interesting that I run into them on my last day of my first year. It couldn't have been more timely.
Among other things, they asked me for what advice I would give. I suppose when I first arrived in the USA at the age of 11, I thought I would have to do the same things most people would think–get really good grades, do extracurriculars that would make you sound smart, score high on standardized tests. While this may be true, it's so much more than that. Something happened that made me want to believe that there was more to life than just running along the same treadmill everybody else who hoped to get into Harvard was, and I wanted there to be more to myself than just that. Looking back on the past few years, I think my desire for adventure and to live a life worth writing about overpowered my desire to conform to such superficialities that were no guarantee of acceptance into that school I go to. Despite the fact that I sometimes feel inadequate at Harvard, it was all worth it. So although my answer to the "What advice would you give question?" was cheesy, I meant every word I said when I told the Harvard hopeful to do what made her happy, and to make sure she gave it her all doing whatever it was. Most importantly, she had to believe that she was capable of being great. At the heart of it, I suppose that's part of the reason I was accepted, and what I should keep in mind as I proceed along in my next few years as a Harvard student, no matter what doubts befall me or what obstacles I may face. While the family certainly felt lucky to have met me and now consider me a sort of inspirational figure, they were also an encounter that helped me make sense of the year that just ended, a year where dreams came true in the most unexpected ways.
But anyway, it's summer, and I've got one hell of a summer planned. Stay tuned.
Anyway, all that aside, I'm on a plane taking me from Boston back to Portland, for I have finally officially completed my freshman year at Harvard University. There've been a lot of thoughts swimming around my head, as there usually are during particularly monumental endings in my life, and I figure I should write them all down (or as much as I can of them, anyway). Before getting into some things I want to bring up re: the end of freshman year, I figure I might as well address some FAQs (or what I assume would be FAQs if I were to go around telling everybody I just finished my first year at Harvard).
How was it?
I don't know what kind of preconceived notions you might have about student life at Harvard, but here's what an authentic Harvard student has to say. My first year got rather overwhelming, of course. Hard classes tend to do that. Adjusting to college life is enough of a task, but add the fact that you go to probably the most well-known school in the world with a reputation to uphold and it somehow adds to the challenge. It also got really intimidating. After I realized that I was to attend school at Harvard, I became anxious about not being able to work at the level expected of me. I couldn't imagine going to school with super geniuses who would know so much more than me and be so much better than me at everything. It was a rather scary thought, so I conditioned myself to believing that I would only be average at that school, if not slightly below. I made myself believe that in comparison to what everybody else had accomplished, I was humble and ordinary. That way, I wouldn't hurt myself too much, and I would be able to focus on making the best of it for myself without comparing myself to others. I also told myself to not make my happiness and GPA/grades too intertwined, and to find other things to achieve besides good grades.
Anyway, looking back on the year, I've definitely not been the only one to have those doubts and insecurities, which was a relief. As I became closer to certain people, they've gotten to know me, and they are actually proud of the person I am and of what I've done with my life, as I am with them. I've found that there's this mutual awe in what people have accomplished (and are accomplishing) that people at Harvard have for each other, and instead of being in fierce competition with everyone around you, for the most part I find that people turn to those around them for inspiration and support and they build each other up. I mean, everybody is smart in some respect, but what makes people at Harvard so fascinating is that there's so much more beyond intelligence to discover about them. So while I'm definitely not in the top academically, I feel like I'm with people who are appreciative of diversity and understanding of the struggles that everyone shares. Generally, this is the vibe that I've had for my first year, and I'm very grateful to the people I've shared it with. I have some absolutely brilliant friends who do things everyday that I could never imagine myself being capable of doing, but at the same time, my friends also respect me and my own talents and feel the same of some things I do as well. So while I have never felt more ordinary or commonplace in my life, I definitely do feel special being surrounded by so many unique and talented people who also see me as an individual that's part of that incredible group.
Wait, does that even properly answer the question "How was it?" Whatever. I don't care. Next!
How do you feel?
Thinking of the year that was, I feel like so much has happened in such little time, and I've grown up a lot. I thought I was pretty mature coming into Harvard, though of course there was that inevitable naïveté that comes with moving into a new place no matter how old or experienced with life you may be. I've had hopes shattered and the most unexpected windfalls. I've experienced the extreme, disgusting, sticky heat of Boston summer, and the brutal, (record-breaking) blizzard-y cold of winter. I've found out what it's like to fail a test, and I've learned a new language. I eventually became used to navigating a world in which all your friends are constantly around each other, leading to relationships between people being extremely volatile and changeable. Having never lived in this environment, it's been an interesting adjustment, but I think now that everybody for the most part has gotten the hang of everyday life at Harvard, things have calmed down a bit. At least for me, they have. I've established that I love my friends, but I also love randomly leaving campus to go to Boston (or New York, lol), and I'm lucky to have really understanding people who are aware of that and don't judge against my character. That being said, I have a better sense of how to handle life, people, and myself than I did when I first entered.
Right now, I feel like I have a better sense of self. I don't actually mean I have a better sense of who I am as a person; I actually have a better sense of self as someone who has no idea who she is or what she's doing with her life. I thought I knew who I was in the years leading up to Harvard; I thought I had my life planned out. But now that the dream I had had in my head for years has become a reality, it's not going as middle school me had planned at all. Life has a way of doing that, I guess. Despite this, it's quite refreshing to be with people who are in a similar state of doubt and confusion, and to go through it together. It's so much fun seeing people discover new passions or continue to work on existing ones, and to have conversations with people who are open-minded about the future. Maybe I've become this way because I feel like having the Harvard name attached to my being will somehow provide me countless opportunities. False reassurance? I don't know, and I don't care. It's already brought so much to me than I could have imagined so far.
Would you do anything differently?
Yes and no. I feel like there are some things that, though unpleasant, I've had to go through in order to become the more self-assured, confident person I am today. I've had to experience certain things to know what I really want with my life and how I expect my closest friends should act. I like to live life believing that everything that happens has a reason for happening, though I also like to live life believing I have a certain agency over the direction that it's taking. It's achieving the balance between these two mentalities that has been a challenge. Ironically though, without having been too skewed towards either end of the balance, I wouldn't have achieved this sense of resolution that I have now. If I were to do anything differently, it might have had to do with how I upset the balance. I still would have upset it, though. It's important to do that in life, I think. Now I'm getting a bit too philosophical and it's come to the point where I can't even really identify specific incidents to serve as examples of this weird balance shit and how I've been favoring either side, I just know they exist, let's move on.
Before I finish this entry...
Anyway, I figured I should write about something serendipitous that happened to me on my last full day at Harvard as a freshman, May 16th.
As I was walking across the yard to what was going to be my last meal at Annenberg, the freshman dining hall, I overheard Tagalog being spoken. In other circumstances, I would have contented myself with understanding what was being said, but since the speaker was wondering if the buildings in the Yard were for classrooms, I went up to them and said in Tagalog, "Actually no, they're freshman dorms."
They were surprised and pleased to meet me, especially when they found out that I was a student at Harvard. It turns out that I had just met a lady whose family a generation below her had just moved to the USA from the Philippines, and she was helping them get settled. They were at Harvard, apparently, because it was the daughter's dream to go there one day.
Huh. Sounded oddly familiar.
She was just about to start high school, and her brother about to start 6th grade. Understandably, they were a bit anxious about starting out anew. But they were grateful to have run into me, who had gone through the exact same thing they were going through right now, almost 8 years ago. I could hear the relief in their voices after they saw proof of what was possible in me. And it kind of all just put things into perspective; I found it interesting that I run into them on my last day of my first year. It couldn't have been more timely.
Among other things, they asked me for what advice I would give. I suppose when I first arrived in the USA at the age of 11, I thought I would have to do the same things most people would think–get really good grades, do extracurriculars that would make you sound smart, score high on standardized tests. While this may be true, it's so much more than that. Something happened that made me want to believe that there was more to life than just running along the same treadmill everybody else who hoped to get into Harvard was, and I wanted there to be more to myself than just that. Looking back on the past few years, I think my desire for adventure and to live a life worth writing about overpowered my desire to conform to such superficialities that were no guarantee of acceptance into that school I go to. Despite the fact that I sometimes feel inadequate at Harvard, it was all worth it. So although my answer to the "What advice would you give question?" was cheesy, I meant every word I said when I told the Harvard hopeful to do what made her happy, and to make sure she gave it her all doing whatever it was. Most importantly, she had to believe that she was capable of being great. At the heart of it, I suppose that's part of the reason I was accepted, and what I should keep in mind as I proceed along in my next few years as a Harvard student, no matter what doubts befall me or what obstacles I may face. While the family certainly felt lucky to have met me and now consider me a sort of inspirational figure, they were also an encounter that helped me make sense of the year that just ended, a year where dreams came true in the most unexpected ways.
But anyway, it's summer, and I've got one hell of a summer planned. Stay tuned.
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